Steven Wright Quotes - KeepQuoting

Steven Wright

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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Funny
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Funny
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Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Life
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Reading
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

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OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Life
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I'm addicted to placebos.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

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When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Science
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I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Politics
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I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

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When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Pet
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Reflection
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Accident
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I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Time
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Life
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Thought
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

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When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

   Funny